wow. how did i get so far away from center? i'm having such a hard time just letting go and trusting. life has been lighter, and more full of joy for the past week, but in my own head i am still worrying and feeling the need to "manipulate." asking the kids what they want to do. suggesting projects. feeling like i should be doing something. i've got to get to that place of trust and presence and just BEING.

our success is not measured by the chalkboard painted on the wall, the beginnings of projects that are "unschooly." now i feel like i'm preoccupied with "am i unschooling? is this unschooling?" and i know at my core that i'm obsessing and that obsessing is another way to control.

somehow i have become full of fear. so a week later i still feel like crying and still feel like i'm "doing it wrong." and i know it's not something i should be DOING but just BEING.

i'm a pretty intense person. i analyze and philosophize and discuss and want to do things right. it is hard for me to just let go. granted, i have connected more with my children in the past week then i have in the past year. the laughter and joy is back in the house. cyberschool is out the window. adam is like a different kid. i have to remember all of those things. all of the other stuff is just in my own head. i question myself, beat myself up.....somehow i have lost my self-worth and self-confidence.

so, my PLAN is to let go of the plan, let go of the control, and just really try to trust and BE. i KNOW that this lifestyle of unschooling is the way....the proof is in my oldest, Amber, who has been unschooled for a long long time and is bright, amazing, confident, wise, and herSELF. i need allow my other kids to get there....i AM allowing it....but i want to allow it for myself too, i want to feel that freedom again. i know i will. it's just hard to get there sometimes.